


Telephone

by ciskay



Category: Bill Hader - Fandom
Genre: Bathroom, F/M, M/M, Masturbation, Phone Sex, long distance, public
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:47:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21898387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciskay/pseuds/ciskay
Summary: Bill's away on business, but that doesn't mean you can't have some fun together.
Relationships: Bill Hader/Reader, Bill Hader/You
Comments: 7
Kudos: 70





	Telephone

It was difficult, especially with the dry chill of winter. Despite the radiator’s best efforts, being alone in that icebox of a house was just fucking depressing. All you wanted was to hold your boyfriend close and nuzzle into his warm embrace. Was that so much to ask? You sighed. Apparently so. 

Though it was early in the afternoon, the sky was dull and gray and so was everything else. Wrapped up in a quilt, you sat on the living room sofa in near absolute silence. You zoned out with the remote control in your hand, to the ambience of cars whizzing past outside, and the electrical click and whir of the refrigerator activating.

You felt a buzz from your pocket, snapping you back. You looked down at a text from Bill, and smiled.

“I pulled my groin on set so I’m on break right now. What’s up?” the text read.

You laughed out loud. “How did you manage to do that?” you sent back.

“I think a better question is how could I not?”

Still smiling, you felt bittersweet warmth stir in your chest. If he were here, you were sure you’d be able to fix that right up. Before your brain could hold you back, that gentle simmer shot to a boil and took the train downtown. Nibbling on your lip, you sent, “How much time do you have?”

“Probably a half-hour or so. Why?”

You inhaled deeply, shifting beneath the quilt. Your heart beat faster. “Think we can call for a little bit?”

“Sure. I’ll call you in a sec.”

Fingers trembling slightly, you added, “Go somewhere private.”

You saw the typing bubbles start and stop a few times before he sent, “Ok.”

You nervously bit the skin of your thumb, head swimming. You’d never done something like this before. You shook your head. ‘This’? What was _this,_ exactly? Before you could consider backtracking, your phone rang. You answered immediately out of habit.

“Hello…” you said weakly, then cleared your throat. 

“Hey,” he answered, low and soft, just to make matters worse. 

“Where are you?” you asked, against your better judgement. Your heart was like a horse in the Kentucky Derby.

“I’m in the bathroom,” he said.

You rolled your eyes, allowing the tension to melt from your shoulders for a brief moment. “How romantic,” you replied.

He chuckled slightly, “Sorry, it was the best I could do. So what did you want to talk about?”

The tension was back, and so was the heat. “Oh, uh- how’s filming going?” 

“Oh, it’s going well. You know. Apart from the whole... groin-pulling thing. How are things back home?”

“Lonely and cold. I wish you were here right now...” you said, attempting a low, sultry tone.

“Yeah, me too. You feeling okay? You sound like you’re catching a cold.”

Silence. 

Cheeks warm with embarrassment, you answered, “No, yeah, I’m fine. I was… never mind.”

After a moment, he asked, “Is something wrong?”

“No… nothing’s _wrong_ per-say…”

“Oh, good!”

And that’s when you snapped.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” you cried. “I’m horny!”

“Oh… good?”

You hung up. Bill called back seconds later.

“I was joking!” he said. “I was just… caught off guard. I… where is this coming from?”

“I mean… you’ve been gone for three weeks. Is it really that surprising?” you questioned.

“Well… yeah? You’ve never… I mean… shit…”

“You know, forget it. I don’t know what I’m saying. I think I’m just tired. Talk to you later--”

“Wait! I’m... horny, too?”

“What?”

“I-- God, don’t make me say that again.”

You brought your knees up to your chest, nibbling on the already raw skin of your lips. “... are you?”

“... Well… I mean… now that I’m… I… a little…?”

Your hair stood on end, an anxious, yet pleasant chill running down your spine. “So…” 

“So…” he breathed out. “… did you… should we… uh…?” 

Flustered, you answered, “... not if you don’t want to--”

“-- I want to!”

Silence.

“Okay…” you said.

“Okay…” he replied. “So… how do I… what should I do?”

You snorted. “Definitely not that.”

“Well, if you’re so great, why don’t you start?”

_Start having phone sex. While he was on the set of his hit television show. What the fuck were you doing?_

“Uh, yeah… so… what are you wearing?”

“A shirt? Pants? Pretty standard.”

“Oh cool,” you breathed. “Take it off?”

“Take what off?”

…

“All of it?”

“That seems kind of… overkill.”

“Oh, right. Yeah… then… just… take your pants off?”

“Are you asking me, or…?”

“...yes…?”

“Could I just… stick it through the zipper?”

“I… if you want…?”

“Cool, cool. What are _you_ wearing?”

“Really, Bill? Stealing my lines? As a hit television series writer, this is embarrassing.”

He sighed, “How’s this then? Touch yourself for me.”

You exhaled, skin tingling. “Better…” 

“I wish I could do it myself,” he said in a half-whisper

“Tell me how you’d do it...” you said breathlessly, trailing your fingers from your knee, upward.

His breathing was heavier over the line now. “I’d… I’d kiss you first… I’d kiss your neck, down to your collarbones...”

“Yeah?” you said, slipping your fingers below the waistband of your sweatpants.

“Yeah… and then I’d run my hands up to your..."

You brought one hand up to your nipples, letting out a small moan as you dipped a finger inside.

You heard him suck in a quick breath. “God, you sound so fucking good, baby.”

“Fuck, I want you to touch me...”

“What are you doing now?”

“Thrusting my fingers inside as deep as they’ll go...” You felt a knot in your abdomen, listening to Bill’s breath catching over the line. 

“Shit… I bet you feel so tight…”

“Are you rubbing yourself?”

“Yeah. Imagining your hot mouth on me. I--”

You heard muffled knocks and a voice on his end.

“Bill? Did you fall in? Will you be ready in ten?”

You clamped a hand over your mouth as if they could hear you. Bill swallowed loudly, answering with a crack, “Ye-ah! Yeah, I-I’ll be ready in ten! Just, uh, pooping!”

You heard a couple more muffled words of acknowledgement, and then after a few seconds, Bill let out a long exhale.

“Okay, coast is clear.”

“Maybe this was a bad idea… you almost got caught!”

“Uh… yeah… how about we worry about that in ten minutes?”

It didn’t take much to pull you back in. “Fine, but we have to hurry.”

“Oh, trust me, I won’t be much longer…”

“That’s not something to be proud of.”

“Shut up and add another finger.”

You did as you were told, breath hitching as you slid in another, bucking your hips and listening to the sound of your fingers squelching inside of you. You moaned his name.

“Fuck, what I wouldn’t give to be there right now watching you do this...” 

“ _Nnnnh…_ ” you moaned, “fuck… they won’t even know…”

He grunted. “It’s not fair… next time, you’re gonna be the sneaky one…”

“Next time, huh?” you asked, fucking yourself faster.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “I’m thinking, like, tomorrow morning? What’s your schedule look like?”

“Fuck you,” you said, half-moaning as you squeezed your nipples, “you know damn well… _hahh…_ the bathrooms at work are communal, fucker. _Aahh…”_

“ _Mmh…_ Guess you’ll have to be extra careful, then.”

You listened to one another moaning and breathing heavily, before you felt the familiar knot in the pit of your stomach tighten to its limit. 

“Bill- _fuck…_ I’m so close,” you warned, throbbing almost painfully as your movements came sloppier.

“ _Shit…_ Me too….”

“ _Bill… aahh…!”_

“ _Fuck_ , you sound so… _hah…_ come for me, sweetheart.”

The knot in your abdomen unravelled at once. You tightened like a vice against your fingers as you continued to thrust and buck, riding the wave of euphoria as far as it would take you.

You heard him finish with a restrained sigh alongside you, and after a few moments, you caught your breath enough to speak.

“That was…” you started.

“Yeah… why haven’t we done that before?” 

You chuckled, “Dunno, but we have now. I’m checking it off my bucket list.”

“Yeah?” you heard him smile. “What’s next on that list of yours?”

You smirked and said, “Amusement park. Tunnel of Love.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, he replied, “I’m in.”

“Oh, you will be.”

He laughed. “Can’t wait. Alright, I uh, should probably clean up and get back to work. Talk to you... tomorrow morning?”

You snorted. “I’ll think about it.”

**Author's Note:**

> eyes emoji


End file.
